Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
