The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
