if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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