My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
