Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize