Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
