Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
