I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
