nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize