my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
