I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
