She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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