All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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