So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
