Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
