The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize