I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Randomize
