The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
