my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
