We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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