Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Holy sore nipples Batman
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
