remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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