sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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