Fuck appropriateness.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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