Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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