pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I fill condoms, not promises.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
