No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
