Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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