If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I believe in your delicious
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
