i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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