Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
