I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
