so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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