in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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