Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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