how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
