I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
