Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
