this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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