she woke up with a sticky ear
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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