if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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