dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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