Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
