I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
