I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
