why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
