i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
