Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
