I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
