The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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