Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
