the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
