How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
