My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize