At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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