How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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