saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Everyone says I win the strip club
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
