I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
