He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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