so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
