So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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